A Servant's Heart

I want a servants heart
And I will gladly bear the markings
Of one held captive yet free
Not my will but thine
For Lord in your own time
Only you can make a servants heart

He compels me to go
But I would rather stay
He sent me a valley
Once again today
My self determined will
Keeps tearing me apart
But when the works completed
I'll have a servants heart

More and more Lord I see
There's a work I must do
Father may you find me faithful
Trusting only you
Take all that I have been
There, your will to start
And then I'll serve no other master
with this servants heart
Growing up I would go to church with my mamaw a lot.  She use to sing in a group and this was my favorite song that they sang.  The words took on new meaning and became more and more personal as I got older and developed a deeper relationship with the Lord.  I want to be found willing for the Lord to mold me into what he sees fit.  I want to trust in the Lord with all my heart every minute of every day.  I feel so often as this song mentions that my self determined will is tearing me apart.  I don't always understand God's plan but then again why do I need to understand it?  The most important thing is not that I understand its that I accept his will.  He always knows what's best in every situation or circumstance I face.  Not my will but thine for Lord in your own time only you can make a servant's heart!

Blessings,
Kina

Listen

Good Morning, from Fort Smith, AR!  Its another busy Monday.  I don't know about everyone else but my Mondays are usually off to a slow start.  I always wanna sleep that extra 5 or 10 minutes.  My weekends are always so full and I'm usually wore out.  Even when I'm tired its hard to not smile when my little Kylee bug wants to sit in my lap before she goes to the bus stop.  She made my day.  I'm so thankful for every little memory like that with my babies.  Time seems to go by so fast.  I don't want to miss a moment.    

I have been reflecting on my relationship with the Lord a lot lately.  Well, relationships in general but mostly with the Lord.  My favorite radio station was doing a thing at the begining of the year where you choose one word for the year 2011.  My word ended up being 'Listen'.  I really feel like that was what God wanted me to really focus on this year.  Sometimes when someone is talking to you and your not paying attention you might miss their voice inflection or the emotion behind their words.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to truly listen when someone is speaking to me not only with my ears but with my heart.  When God speaks to my heart I don't want to be so consumed with life that I don't hear Him.

I've heard a particular story from the bible used in many sermons through out the years.  Its when Martha got upset with Mary because she wasn't helping her prepare the meal for their guests.  Martha was busy doing everything and Mary was sitting at Jesus feet.  So often I see myself in Martha.  I get so caught up with life that I can almost hear the Lord saying "Kina, Kina, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."  I don't want to forget to choose that good part.  Sometimes I have to stop myself and make sure I'm not forgetting to just sit at Jesus' feet and listen. 

I am so thankful that through every trial the Lord has been right there.  He's never left my side.  He gives me strength when I'm weak.  He supplies my needs.  When I don't always know what's coming next He holds my hand and comforts me.  Who am I Lord that you are mindful of me?  I want to listen to God when he speaks to my heart, whether its words of comfort, encouragment or correction.  I want to choose that good part so that it can never be taken away from me. 
   

Greater Purpose

This was an email between myself and my sister-in-laws.  As it turns out all of our husbands are either ministers or deacons.  They wanted me to share it in my blog. 

So today i have a heavy heart.  I want to share something with yall....

I know we all have different struggles in our daily life.  I am 32 and my husband is a pastor.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder why God would want me to be a pastor's wife.  I battle Satan on a daily basis.  Sometimes he comes at me through my own insecurity, sometimes through other people, and other times through circumstances i face.  When you truly give your heart to God and accept the teachings of Christ and apply them to your life that doesn't mean that your battles go away or that the temptations aren't their anymore.  I know that I have given my heart to the Lord.  I know that Christ died to save my soul.  I know that I've been baptized and repented of my sins.  When i make a mistake and sin again I ask God to forgive me and stop doing that.  I go to church whenever the doors are open.  I help with pretty much everything that goes on at church.  My husband is a Pastor.  With all of this I struggle sometimes to get through the day!!!  There are days when i pray for God to help me get through this hour Lord.  Sometimes my burden is so heavy I feel like I can't possibly carry it alone.  Then i remember, (you would think it would be ingrained in my mind) I'm not alone.  My Lord is living and he walks with me on a daily basis.  He carries my load when I can't go on any longer.  Why as believers do we forget this? We hear it preached often enough.  

Something I feel like sharing with yall is when your trials start to consume your mind, your daily life, or when fear of the unknown starts rearing its ugly head don't forget where to find peace.  When things just aren't going how we want them too, or the way we think they should step back for a moment.  Make sure you haven't gotten out of step with the Lord.  Just because your not in sync with Him doesn't mean your living a life full of hell.  It could just be that your not letting Him lead your steps.  He could have been letting you walk around in the wilderness for a while waiting on you to realize you got off path.  

Girls, everyone of us have a husband that is called for a greater purpose.  Whether we like it or not that means His calling to God comes first.  Our life will revolve around that calling.  It took me so long to truly understand what it means to be a good wife, mother, friend, sister and daughter.  A good wife puts her husbands needs above her own, is supportive and loving, provides a sanctuary at home where his mind can relax.  A good mother teaches her children how to love God with all their heart.  A good friend/sister is there in time of need, always praying and not backbiting.  A good daughter honors thy father and mother. 

So I have no idea why I felt like sharing this with all of you.  I miss you all.  I hope you cherish one another and nurture your relationships with each other.  I would love to have all of you live close to me!!!  Remember we are all in this together.  We have to be there for one another and pray for each other.  When conflict and trials arise in our lives we should be able to depend on each other for comfort, prayers and love.  God has not called us to be ordinary.  He wants us to be extraordinary!!!!    

Kina     

Forgiveness

Oh my goodness this weather!!!  We've had ice, ice and more ice.  Today the windchill will be 20 below at times.  I am so thankful for a warm home and reliable vehicle.  My daughter Kylee has had the flu and she is feeling better, for that I am also thankful!!!! 

So I had to leave work early on Tuesday because the weather got so bad.  When I got out to my van the windshield was covered in ice....  I had to sit for about 20 minutes just so it could thaw enough to be scraped off.  This morning I was thinking how sometimes I've let my heart get hardened with ice.  I've let hurt, anger and bitterness freeze walls around my heart in an effort to protect myself from being hurt.  At the time that seemed like the only option.  For me it was so deep that I sort of shut down emotionally.  It was easier to not feel anything than to feel the pain from being wounded.  Especially when its by someone you love.  My husband and I both suffered but somehow he was able to deal with things better than me.  He would give me mini bible studies constantly trying to help me not get consumed with my emotions but eventually I ended up letting it take over.

I have to be careful how I word this because all of this is in the past and I don't want to bring up anything thats covered under the blood.  I just want to share how easy it is to get consumed.  One of my previous pastors always had a saying, "You start out right but you end up wrong..", for me this was the case.  Its funny to because I wasn't actually the one that was under attack.  It was my husband.  For some reason the pain was sooooo much greater when he was the one being done wrong than if it would have been me.  I know the life he lives.  I know the nights that he can't sleep because someone is on his heart.  I can visibly see the difference in him when he's burdened.  I've heard his cries to God on others behalf.  Maybe thats why my defences go on overdrive when I feel he's being mistreated.  I'm very protective of him.  My mother in law told me once its not my job to protect Dave its my job to support and love him to let God do the protecting.  Very wise words.  I took them to heart.

For a while, several months actually, I felt like no matter what I did I couldn't release this anger.  I trusted no one.  I felt like I was on the defense all the time.  Then a visiting minister came to town and preached this beautiful sermon on forgiveness.  I'll never forget it because I realized that day what was really my problem.  I had not truly forgiven.  Months had gone by and I kept thinking I needed them to change, to see themselves.  I thought I was needing them to make some monumental discovery of how horrible they were....  God spoke to my heart that day.  I finally let go and gave all my hurt, pain, bitterness and anger to God and let forgiveness replace all of that.  It was like a balm to my aching soul.  The walls of ice around my heart melted and cracked.  I felt freedom!!  I had been weighted down carrying this with me everywhere.  The words from that sermon scraped all the yuckiness away and I could feel again.

I don't know why I felt like sharing this experience today. Something I try to remember is that forgiveness isn't admitting you were wrong and they were right.  Its also not saying that this person never did anything to you or that what they did to you was okay.  Forgiveness is letting go.  Forgiveness is healing.  Forgiveness is what God does for us daily....