Oh my goodness this weather!!! We've had ice, ice and more ice. Today the windchill will be 20 below at times. I am so thankful for a warm home and reliable vehicle. My daughter Kylee has had the flu and she is feeling better, for that I am also thankful!!!!
So I had to leave work early on Tuesday because the weather got so bad. When I got out to my van the windshield was covered in ice.... I had to sit for about 20 minutes just so it could thaw enough to be scraped off. This morning I was thinking how sometimes I've let my heart get hardened with ice. I've let hurt, anger and bitterness freeze walls around my heart in an effort to protect myself from being hurt. At the time that seemed like the only option. For me it was so deep that I sort of shut down emotionally. It was easier to not feel anything than to feel the pain from being wounded. Especially when its by someone you love. My husband and I both suffered but somehow he was able to deal with things better than me. He would give me mini bible studies constantly trying to help me not get consumed with my emotions but eventually I ended up letting it take over.
I have to be careful how I word this because all of this is in the past and I don't want to bring up anything thats covered under the blood. I just want to share how easy it is to get consumed. One of my previous pastors always had a saying, "You start out right but you end up wrong..", for me this was the case. Its funny to because I wasn't actually the one that was under attack. It was my husband. For some reason the pain was sooooo much greater when he was the one being done wrong than if it would have been me. I know the life he lives. I know the nights that he can't sleep because someone is on his heart. I can visibly see the difference in him when he's burdened. I've heard his cries to God on others behalf. Maybe thats why my defences go on overdrive when I feel he's being mistreated. I'm very protective of him. My mother in law told me once its not my job to protect Dave its my job to support and love him to let God do the protecting. Very wise words. I took them to heart.
For a while, several months actually, I felt like no matter what I did I couldn't release this anger. I trusted no one. I felt like I was on the defense all the time. Then a visiting minister came to town and preached this beautiful sermon on forgiveness. I'll never forget it because I realized that day what was really my problem. I had not truly forgiven. Months had gone by and I kept thinking I needed them to change, to see themselves. I thought I was needing them to make some monumental discovery of how horrible they were.... God spoke to my heart that day. I finally let go and gave all my hurt, pain, bitterness and anger to God and let forgiveness replace all of that. It was like a balm to my aching soul. The walls of ice around my heart melted and cracked. I felt freedom!! I had been weighted down carrying this with me everywhere. The words from that sermon scraped all the yuckiness away and I could feel again.
I don't know why I felt like sharing this experience today. Something I try to remember is that forgiveness isn't admitting you were wrong and they were right. Its also not saying that this person never did anything to you or that what they did to you was okay. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is what God does for us daily....